The Boxer – Simon & Garfunkel

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev’ry glove that layed him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
“I am leaving, I am leaving”
But the fighter still remains

the silent scream of loneliness

maybe it’s time for me to wake up.

this sweet, sweet dream i’ve been having is probably just another episode of my bipolar, the upside of it. it’s made me happy. it’s made me feel.. elated, even. being with him and getting to hold him while we’re together. holding hands, kissing.. it’s all been nothing but a sweet, sweet dream i should never have had.

maybe it’s time for me to wake up and let him go.

last night we talked, and i asked him what’s holding him up from being with me. he said it’s all the big things like his kid, and my whole family. and he asked me what’s the hardest part for me.. it’s the wait. waiting for him to walk away. why haven’t i walked away when doing that should make it easier to mend my heart.. but i can’t. it will be breaking my own heart. sure, in time i’ll heal. maybe a few years time, like when it happened with my very first boyfriend. it took me 6 years to be able to love someone again.

maybe this time it’ll get easier.

i only want him to be happy. he deserves it. i’ve been selfish for a long time, holding him back and taking up the time he’s supposed to spend with his family. i can handle being lonely. being unloved. i can handle it if he chooses his family. no matter how much i love him, i have no right to break apart his family. the little girl, his heart and soul.. she doesn’t deserve it. i can handle being lonely if it means they get to be happy. but only he has to be the one who walks away.

you made me…

you made me whole again.

it was a long time ago since someone broke me down, in a way that i thought would change me forever and that there was no way of bringing me back. all the while there was only harmless flirting and meaningless sex that i sometimes didn’t even thoroughly enjoy.it was a long time ago since i gave up on the unrealistic idea of love, and the stupidity of hope. but something changed me again. that something happened to be someone. and that someone is him.

he cured me from the pain, the damage that was done. he entered my life in the most unexpected time, and i entered his life knowing it was the wrong time. that it will always be the wrong time. this can never be. apart from the fact that he’s got a family of his own, he’s rightfully someone else’s man, our statuses in the society, our families, would never let us be together. so why haven’t i let go? why can’t i let go?

because he made me whole again.

 

and breathe, just breathe

my facebook updates have been about him.

• “don’t wish. don’t start. wishing only wounds the heart” (Wicked)
• i see it now. i’ve always seen it. have you had enough this time?
• why am i hurting when you didn’t even hurt me?
• we’re not always lonely on our own. we’re lonely because the one we wanted around wouldn’t stick around.

and he texted me last night, asking if we were through.

i told him it was up to him. i’ve always told him that. i don’t have a decision to make, whether to leave, or to stay. i’m only one of the choices on his test. he asked me to tell him straight up, he understands.

and so i asked him “you really think you understand the feelings of someone who’s soon to be left alone?” his response was: “why did you say that? are we over? are you too tired to hang on?”

i’m tired, yes. but i have no choice but to be tired and hang on. this thin little thread is hurting my fingers, yet i still can’t let go. he’s the one who has to cut it off and let me fall. it’s pathetic, but i let him know that. and i asked him: “are you staying or leaving? please, tell me” and there was no answer.

up until now, morning passed and we haven’t even looked each other in the eye.

breathe. just breathe. don’t listen to those voices in your head trying to figure out which way to die.

breathe. just breathe.

why can’t i..?

two days ago, i had another suicidal episode. nothing major, just some thoughts and the only action taken was a call to make an emergency appointment with the dear doctor. last week, i was healthy as a horse and happy as can be. and this week i feel like life took a grip of my ankles and dragged me feet first along the broken, rocky road.

simply what happened was that i tried working really hard on something. and it turned out my effort went unnoticed, and even dismissed by some people. it hurt. but it wasn’t that big of a deal. well, it probably wouldn’t be a great deal for people with normal mental states. but not for someone like me. the disappointment crashed into me hard and i lost balance on this tight thread. but at least i didn’t quite fall completely into the black hole.

after that thought, i was looking to my man and tried to quietly, and stupidly, get his attention. i sat there in the corner of my glass office, next to where he worked. yet he didn’t turn to see me. in my head, i thought he was either mad at me about something, or he really couldn’t see me because the lights were off, or maybe he didn’t love me anymore. the last case scenario was the most powerful thought of all. it broke me down.

i went into the doctor’s office and told her i was having suicidal thoughts. i told her about the disappointment that happened from work, but nothing about my man. i never mentioned him to the doctor. it’s been a couple of months and several doctor’s appointments have passed, yet she has no idea i have an active love life.

however, from all the information given to her, the doctor thinks i’m emotionally self-destructive. i have the tendency to tie myself with the task i’m on, and when the task fails, it drags me down. she said if i want to be free of this tie, she can help. well, please help.

my brother thinks that when i get depressed, i don’t try to get back up. as he puts it: “When she’s down, she over-thinks to torture herself. It’s almost like she enjoys being depressed. I really can’t understand how or why she’s so emotionally fragile.”

did i ever mention my brother is mentally healthy?

the latest therapy session

this love i’m in is something i could never, and will never tell my psychiatrist, regardless of how many years i’ve known her or how much trust we built over these years. it’s not because of how unorthodox and impossible it is. but it’s because of who this man is. i was in an emotionally abusive relationship last year and this currently isn’t exactly healthy. no woman is supposed to be happy being a mistress, no matter how much she’s in love with the man.. ESPECIALLY if she’s in love at all.

but i’m content.

see how unhealthy it is?

so, when i went in, i talked about everything but my love life. i mentioned work, mostly. then, queued my mother to come in..

she was unhappy about the hours i spend outside of the house, and how unhappy dad has been, not being able to say anything about it. i could sense how worried and unhappy they’ve been with me staying out so late at night, nearly every single night. when mom called and i’m out with my man, i’d tell her that i don’t wanna go home, without a good reason. anything that will get me to stay out as late as possible. i haven’t gotten into trouble with dad about it and if dad doesn’t say anything, then mom can’t really. she has been mad on the phone, and hung up on me a couple of times, but she had to put up with it.

when she had the chance, she asked my shrink what she could do. and her advice to my mom was that she talks to me, with reasons, with examples. like, how badly things could turn when i get into an accident with some drunk-driver. or how scary it can be for parents to even think about it. all i could say was, i knew how upsetting it has been, and i knew how my parents felt.. yet i chose to ignore it and put myself first. and i said i will try to change.

i don’t know if i can though..

i just want to spend as much time with my lover as i can, before we have to part ways. which, i don’t know how soon that is going to be. it’s sad.. but i think i’m getting a grip on reality and it’s going to help me get through sooner than later.

no blood will spill if we both get out now

i’ve been listening to Lea Michele’s new songs from her solo album for a few days now, and i have to say i’m a bit obsessed with the lyrics.

i created a new playlist of songs that apply to the situation i’m currently in, when it comes to the unorthodox love of mine that is soon to end. the song Battlefield is one of the good songs i can relate to. especially the part where she sings:

You and I, we have to let each other go,

We keep holding on but we both know

What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

Peace will come when one of us puts down the gun,

Be strong for both of us

No, please, don’t run. Don’t run

No blood will spill if we both get out now

Still, it’s hard to put the fire out

now, i’ve been putting down a lot of music-related stuff lately. it’s probably got nothing to do with my bipolar, but music is one of the things i have to hold on to. a friend of mine said that i listen to depressing songs too much, but on the playlist, there is also some sweet songs.. i swear they’re somewhere on the list.

when reality sets back in

Hands touch, eyes meet,
sudden silence, sudden heat
hearts leap in a giddy whirl.
He could be that boy,
but I’m not that girl
Don’t dream too far, don’t lose sight of who you are,
don’t remember that rush of joy.
He could be that boy,
I’m not that girl
Every so often we long to steal,
to the land of what might have been,
but that doesn’t soften the ache we feel
when reality sets back in
Blithe smile, lithe limb
she who’s winsome,
she wins him,
gold hair with a gentle curl,
that’s the girl he chose
and heaven knows,
I’m not that girl
don’t wish, don’t start
wishing only wounds the heart,
I wasn’t born for the rose and the pearl,
there’s a girl I know,
he loves her so,
I’m not that girl.

I’m Not That Girl – Wicked (Idina Menzel)

honoured.

it’s probably someone up above, putting us on the same path.

allowed me to have the chance to taste the sweetness of the sad.

let us be with each other, let us have the good, not the bad.

 

it’s also probably someone up above, who tore us apart.

gave us so little time, and took you from the road we walked.

i know it’s hopeless to get you back to the start.

but you know, i’m never sorry we didn’t last.

 

your love in the past, was such an honour.

i couldn’t have asked for more.

just the little time, we had it all.

my life was complete. it was worth, the whole.

 

from now i won’t cry, i won’t beg for all.

even though we had to fall,

please know,

i’m not sorry we ever had each other at all.

 

 

branded.

I got myself a tattoo tonight. a white tattoo located just below the lower line of my bra, over my ribs on the left side of my body.. and it hurt like hell to get it done. nobody warned me it was going to be THAT painful.

he said no to the idea from the very beginning. and I think I did it to aggravate him or to simply get him to show how much he cares. basically seeking attention. is it worth it? the pain? it is. this tattoo has a significant meaning to my life. although the idea is stolen from a wrist tattoo of someone’s picture that is floating around google. the original word is “love” but I think it’s too cliche, and that love, outside of family, never last. I gave up on the idea of true love or “the one” a long time ago, since the brutal betrayal from the very first man I’ve ever loved.

family is the most important thing to me, and the bond in my family is forever lasting, hence, the infinity sign.

that’s it for an update, I think. if anyone even cared at all.